Being (Afraid to be) Seen
This afternoon I checked my guestbook for the tenth time this week. I fully expected to see an unchanging "0" in the responses section again, but my heart jumped when I saw "2" instead.
What surprised me more was that the comments were from complete strangers.
"Just wanted to say hi as a fellow blogger living in Japan (I don't think there are too many of us! Looking forward to your posts!"
"Just wanted to say your autumn in Japan pictures are GORGEOUS!"
I just want to start by saying - these comments made my day. I didn't know how much I was looking forward to them. Thank you.
When I started this blog, I thought I wanted to write it for my friends and family - a kind of stand-in for social media. Then, feeling scared that they wouldn't be that interested after all, I pivoted and told myself it was just for me. Just to put my thoughts down in a place, for posterity... But as I checked that guestbook every day, I realized that I have been looking for something that I gave up when I deleted my social media accounts nearly two years ago...
I wanted to connect with others. I wanted to be seen.
As my usual perfectionistic self, I thought I'd get a regular habit of writing nailed down before I shared it with anyone else seriously... But over a month later, I have not obtained a regular routine of posting, have only officially told four people about this blog, and have not really heard back from anyone but my mom about it.
The reason I have not sent the link to anyone else? Paradoxically, I am terrified to be seen. How can anyone be interested or disappointed, if they don't know about it? I can't even clearly express who I'm afraid of, or what I think someone will say... I am just both so desperate to be seen as I am, and so desperately scared that they will, and they won't like it.
This problem, this holding of two opposite feelings, felt like complete nonsense to me until I recently encountered the term "The Tension of the Opposites" in one of my favorite podcasts, "The Healthy Compulsive Project." I related strongly to the list of Common Inner Conflicts in the Compulsive Personality - I have a need for mastery, but also a need for recognition. I have a need to express myself freely, but feel conscientious about what others will think.
The solution, it seems, is rather simple. Accept that I can feel both opposite things - need to be seen / need for privacy, and choose to act based on my values. In this case, I have realized that my most important value here is self-expression, and that I can write without worrying too much about whether someone is going to notice something I don't want them to - provided I set clear personal guidelines about what does and does not go on this blog (addresses, real names, etc.). I can't control whether people - family, friends, or strangers - look at what I write, but at least I know that someone is reading or noticing it.
That alone, has motivated me to try posting a little more frequently, and to assume that there are definitely people interested than I thought- maybe just not the ones I expected.